The Basketball Challenge: Match Three, Southend Swifts vs Erkenwald Ladies

Oh yes, there's a new British BBall player on the Allstar circuit!I know what you're thinking - how can this be? well read on my friends...

While I've been running the boards of Leigh-on-Sea, my fellow Brit, Luol Deng has been wowing US coaches, through averaging 16.0 points and 7.3 rebounds this season playing for the world famous Chicago Bulls in the NBA's Eastern conference. His performances have earned him a vote onto this month's Allstar game in Orlando, Florida. I earned eight minutes on the court Wednesday evening while 'my boys' (that's BBall talk y'all) battled a spirited ladies team for a 101-45 victory. I'm guessing you're equally proud of the pair of us, Great Britain.

Luol Deng, a kindred spirit?...probably not.

Louis' self-imposed voodoo about playing girls teams came back to haunt him (again) as he go downed in defence and then blocked in attack, but he wasn't the only one to fall fail of an Erkenwalk Ladies team who fault well for the only female team in the league, I for one respect them - I'm reckoning Dan, having been mugged of the ball, and others in the Swifts side who also got blocked that eve will be thinking likewise.

Southend led from the get go and dominated every quarter but amongst the ranks of the fairer opposition No.4 & No.5 each had skills in going up to the net, No. 10 & No.15 proved at times to have nerve with scoring shots from distance and No.7 bossed their side by example; I had to mark her during my time on court and believe me, I got little joy.

There were some real moments of maturity, composure and skill from the cool kids in black: Reece, Jordan, Dan and Brad all displayed some excellent skills while making point-scoring breaks; the highlight of the night goes to Dan for managing to bounce the ball off of his head from a pass, into his own path and coolly lift it into the hoop under pressure.

Nathan, or The Mop as I shall now name him, used his significant height advantage (dude must be 6'4'') to hoover up many of the rebounds in the first two quarters, and this surely added to the impressive points tally.

I too bagged my first competitive points; a penalty was awarded in the third quarter our way and Coach Butterworth gave instruction to the team that I was to take it - I'd have 4 shots...I fluffed the first, then the second (though this time aim was on target, just the power let me down), then miraculously after a bounce on the ring and backboard, my third sunk. A huge cheer went up, I was beaming but with the mini crowd all behind me I opted to compose myself for a final throw rather than revel in the moment. The ball arced disappointingly and we played on.

I was replaced soon after, though once again came on for the final few minutes, Jordan netted the final basket and we saw out the match having just made the ton mark.

I've now played in my third match, and scored 1 point which means I'm averaging 0.33 points per game. By my reckoning this makes me 0.02% the player that Luol Deng is, after just two training sessions ever, the Allstar team selectors may have to rethink the British allocation.

The Basketball Challenge: Match Two, Southend Swifts vs Southend Players

Jarring my back while digging my car out of the snow last Saturday, during a Winter we'd almost convinced ourselves wasn't coming, then driving nearly a thousand miles prior to turning up at Match Two of The Basketball Challenge this evening, wasn't exactly the ideal prep but sometimes life is literally all swings and roundabouts.

The term 'Players' is cool if you herald from Phili and head up a fraternity called something like say Alpha Betas, but when twinned with the word Southend it just comes across as lazy to the British mind. While Southend Players were far from lazy, they were hardly Swift; even I could keep up with their play, albeit from the bench.

When these two local teams last met, Southend Swifts gave them the kind of drubbing that the Harlem Globetrotters dish out in droves, though this evening the Players were lead by a No.9 who Coach Chris described as 'the best player I've seen while at a match', high praise indeed so we had to be on our toes.

Alex, our talismanic No.8, started sprightly and the opposition just couldn't handle the speed of his breaks but gradually the older squad from nearer the sea managed to disrupt our play and create scoring chances of their own. At the end of the first quarter, the Players were edging it.

Coach Chris spelt it out for the lads 'Carry on playing this slowly and they'll continue to lead, play our way; quick and attacking, and we'll win the game', the game was there for the taking, we just had to go up a gear.

The second quarter was the most dramatic, while I watched on from the sidelines I became enthralled in the battle for power as steadily the Swifts picked up points. From five minutes in, the scoreboard swung alternately in favour of either side with almost every passing second.

While my fascination and love for this sport continued to develop, I was still getting painfully few minutes on the court and still any understanding of the rules and signs used by the two officials escaped me; at times it looked as though barely a thing had happened to stop play when the shorter of the refs (the one with the angry haircut) would walk towards the 'judges' table and seemingly play Rock Paper Scissors with himself before give a summary of a made up offence. I was baffled.

Coach Chris was content to use less time-outs than last week, I think this may have been to ensure that the older men were kept moving as much as possible, in order to wear them down.

Southend Players seemed a team based around two key members; their excellent No.9 (unfortunately two knee injuries had robbed me of the chance to see him in his prime) and a lad called Chris who clearly knew the sport well and while not the greatest of shots, thrived on disrupting his opponents play. Outside of this they had a No.13 who looked like he could have been cut'n'pasted from the 70's, a No.14 who flattered to deceive; he looked the part but had the shooting ability of a baddie in the A-Team, and no-one else of note.

The highlight of the third quarter was when the Players' Chris got sent off, seemingly for a double obscenity in reaction to a ref call he didn't agree with. Swifts were already starting to create some room between themselves and their neighbours on the scoreboard through a reinvigorated Alex and the skillful long shots of Brad, and now playing against a weakened side they started to skip away with the lead.

The frustration had clearly got the better of them, Players' No.13 got a little too close to Swifts Alex who had to come off for a bit to recover from the meeting, as he left the court one ref asked how he was and this was the reply, 'I think I've lost a bit of my penis', it turns out that our man from yesteryear had squeezed Alex's manhood in an attempt to put him off his game - his aim had worked as for a good few minutes I thought my team mate was going to pass out from the pain.

Coach Chris gave me the nod once he felt secure in the win and with less than a minute from the final buzzer I joined the action, 'Who shall I mark', I asked...'Number 13' came the reply. I feared for my penis.

This time I didn't get the ball before I knew what was going on. When I joined we were in attack, this quickly switched to being in defence so I spotted my man and got between him and the basket. I managed to trap him and the ball actually came to me in defence just seconds later...I bounced it, bounced it again and it hit my own hip...then for some reason the whistle blew - I think I may have travelled with the ball, but Coach if you're reading this then please can you add a comment on here to confirm whether I'm right). Anyhow, when the ball came back into play it was only a matter of a few ticks before the timer ran to zero and the buzzer signified our victory.

Head Coach Pearl gave me a Southend Swifts t-shirt, an incredibly generous gesture - I intend to earn the right to wear this tee before I even take it out of its fresh wrapper.

Our next match is at home on Wednesday 15th February against Erkenwald Ladies Basketball Team, why not come along?!

The Basketball Challenge: Match One, Southend Swifts vs Pipps Hill Bears

Lebron James scored 25 points, 9 assists and 6 rebounds on his debut for the Cleveland Cavaliers and no doubt didn't get subbed once. My first taste of competitive basketball differed....just slightly.

Southend Swifts have been so unbelievably welcoming that when I received an email from Head Coach Stephen Pearl saying I'd be in the squad for a match in two days time, having only trained once, I had to check I wasn't dreaming this while dribbling onto my pillow. Realising I was in fact actually sat having breakfast, the next thing to dawn on me was that I hadn't as yet ever even seen a full basketball match on telly, let alone been to a live one!

Pipps Hill Bears had beaten the Swifts by 50 clear points on their last outing, Coach Butterworth explained the key reasons for the opposition teams dominance in that last encounter before enthusing our players with the know-how and confidence to go out their this evening and take charge of this game. The buzzer sounded loudly, signifying one minute before the start, Coach outlined the starting team and gave some final instructions, the buzzer sounded again and then the boys were up...

That first quarter Southend ran and weaved and shot hoops and robbed the ball with such ease that they already looked out of sight, the Bears looked more like the Pipps, though as the match wore on they did start to resemble bears once more; only the type that have a sore head and growl because things aren't going their way.

I tried to stay warm, think about the set up of the teams, how we were being successful, who was marking whom. I did a great job of warming the bench in the coolest kit in the league (all black - can't get cooler than that, even if you're a tubby fella with a beard tinged with ginger), though my grasp of the game kept getting punctuated by the sheer enjoyment gained from watching silky skills and the growing annoyance of older opponents; the Bears had opted out of playing the Swifts first team and were instead tonight facing our second and slightly younger squad.

Coach's talks in time-outs and breaks between quarters were focused on righting our flaws and boosting confidence, his respectfully disciplined approach would be welcomed in most businesses, let alone in competitive sport.

By midway through the final quarter their cocky No.7's antics had stopped annoying the home team and subsequently they came to a halt, gamesmanship can have its place but teenage lads against grown men who through feeling inferior resort to using physical and rumoured verbal infringements of the rules is simply bullying.

Alex silences their No.7 with pure class.

Four minutes from time I was proud to be wearing Swifts colours, I wasn't expecting to get the call of duty - the ball came to me all too soon and like Andy Murray in a Grand Slam Final, I was shell shocked in the limelight.

My only touch of the rubberised sphere resulted in a pass back to an unexpectant team mate, resulting in a counter attacked where I simply didn't know who to mark - the number I'd been given to stick to had been subbed as I came on and it took one of my colleagues to tell me 14 was now my man.

In our next attack Chris pulled me aside and gave me two simple tasks to follow, this helped snap me out of my daze but with just one minute remaining the buzzer came before I had a chance to redeem myself. Thankfully by then Southend Swifts had gained sweet revenge against the Pippiest of Hill lurking Bears.

Lebron James can rest easy, I'm not yet fit to darn his laces.