The Triathlon Challenge - Swimming Lesson 1: Sink or Swim

I've mentioned before that as I child I was part fish, right? Well, take it from me, when I hit the pool up to around the age of 13 I could coast through the water like a pal of Nemo's and no mistake.

Like most kids in the UK however, when I hit my teens I became of obsessed with trying to appear older and swapped pools for fields with shelters where we could drink cheap booze which we'd waited hours to pluck up the courage to attempt to buy...how very mature we were!

In my ambitions thus far to ready myself for The Triathlon Challenge I'd focused mainly on gaining time back in the saddle, and more recently I'd bolted running onto the end of this cycling session at a ratio a quarter run per cycle; the equivalent to the Olympic Triathlon quota. I'd shied away from tackling my now weak Freestyle stroke by opting for the 'easy' legs of the Tri task.

Knowing that I'd lost all confidence in my front crawl, I sought help from my mate Mr Glen Passingham, a chap whom I may have mentioned before looks like telly's Louis Spence, the gay world's latest champion.



The real Louis Spence

We arrived at the rather inappropriately named LA Fitness in Thorpe Bay before noon and on entering the pool Glen fetched 2 floats and 2 long foam tubes called Noodles which we tied knots into, these items would act as buoyancy aids for the lesson. Well they would have until a rather selfish member of the staff come and reclaimed her precious floats because they were hers and she didn't want us to use them; clearly we had the look of float thieves and two chaps who'd come to the pool to swim, despite our best efforts (I have to mention that the rest of the staff were as friendly as you could hope for, compete with smiles and all).

Floatless, my instructor began the lesson with a four-stroke warm-up; I opted for two breast, one poor crawl and one backstroke, on the latter I crashed into my pal.

Glen had recently started swimming lesson himself on the back of accepting my request for some company for The Triathlon Challenge, and generously offered to pass on his new found knowledge to me as I'd struggled to arrange lessons myself. He set exercises where I use a noodle in front of me while I focused on kicking, breathing and using alternate arms.

Fitness-wise I felt fine, though I kept taking in too much water and because of poor timing I'd regularly have to force myself up for air mid-stroke, though by the end of the lesson I felt I had a better grasp of the basics of Freestyle and for the final quarter I was free to put all of my fresh learning's into practise while Coach Passingham clocked up some lengths in the lane beside me.

After the swim we chatted in the sauna for a while before chilling pool side after cooling off, and then used the shower facilities back in the changing rooms, it was only when emerging from separate cubicles to the sound of The Communards 'Don't Leave Me This Way' over the club's internal sound system that I realised what a very Louis Spence afternoon we'd had.

Coach Passingham outside LA Fitness...in Thorpe Bay (Please note: this is NOT Louis Spence).

My advice kids is stay in the pool, age will come to you soon enough.

Keep paddling,

The Everyman Olympian

The Basketball Challenge: Match Two, Southend Swifts vs Southend Players

Jarring my back while digging my car out of the snow last Saturday, during a Winter we'd almost convinced ourselves wasn't coming, then driving nearly a thousand miles prior to turning up at Match Two of The Basketball Challenge this evening, wasn't exactly the ideal prep but sometimes life is literally all swings and roundabouts.

The term 'Players' is cool if you herald from Phili and head up a fraternity called something like say Alpha Betas, but when twinned with the word Southend it just comes across as lazy to the British mind. While Southend Players were far from lazy, they were hardly Swift; even I could keep up with their play, albeit from the bench.

When these two local teams last met, Southend Swifts gave them the kind of drubbing that the Harlem Globetrotters dish out in droves, though this evening the Players were lead by a No.9 who Coach Chris described as 'the best player I've seen while at a match', high praise indeed so we had to be on our toes.

Alex, our talismanic No.8, started sprightly and the opposition just couldn't handle the speed of his breaks but gradually the older squad from nearer the sea managed to disrupt our play and create scoring chances of their own. At the end of the first quarter, the Players were edging it.

Coach Chris spelt it out for the lads 'Carry on playing this slowly and they'll continue to lead, play our way; quick and attacking, and we'll win the game', the game was there for the taking, we just had to go up a gear.

The second quarter was the most dramatic, while I watched on from the sidelines I became enthralled in the battle for power as steadily the Swifts picked up points. From five minutes in, the scoreboard swung alternately in favour of either side with almost every passing second.

While my fascination and love for this sport continued to develop, I was still getting painfully few minutes on the court and still any understanding of the rules and signs used by the two officials escaped me; at times it looked as though barely a thing had happened to stop play when the shorter of the refs (the one with the angry haircut) would walk towards the 'judges' table and seemingly play Rock Paper Scissors with himself before give a summary of a made up offence. I was baffled.

Coach Chris was content to use less time-outs than last week, I think this may have been to ensure that the older men were kept moving as much as possible, in order to wear them down.

Southend Players seemed a team based around two key members; their excellent No.9 (unfortunately two knee injuries had robbed me of the chance to see him in his prime) and a lad called Chris who clearly knew the sport well and while not the greatest of shots, thrived on disrupting his opponents play. Outside of this they had a No.13 who looked like he could have been cut'n'pasted from the 70's, a No.14 who flattered to deceive; he looked the part but had the shooting ability of a baddie in the A-Team, and no-one else of note.

The highlight of the third quarter was when the Players' Chris got sent off, seemingly for a double obscenity in reaction to a ref call he didn't agree with. Swifts were already starting to create some room between themselves and their neighbours on the scoreboard through a reinvigorated Alex and the skillful long shots of Brad, and now playing against a weakened side they started to skip away with the lead.

The frustration had clearly got the better of them, Players' No.13 got a little too close to Swifts Alex who had to come off for a bit to recover from the meeting, as he left the court one ref asked how he was and this was the reply, 'I think I've lost a bit of my penis', it turns out that our man from yesteryear had squeezed Alex's manhood in an attempt to put him off his game - his aim had worked as for a good few minutes I thought my team mate was going to pass out from the pain.

Coach Chris gave me the nod once he felt secure in the win and with less than a minute from the final buzzer I joined the action, 'Who shall I mark', I asked...'Number 13' came the reply. I feared for my penis.

This time I didn't get the ball before I knew what was going on. When I joined we were in attack, this quickly switched to being in defence so I spotted my man and got between him and the basket. I managed to trap him and the ball actually came to me in defence just seconds later...I bounced it, bounced it again and it hit my own hip...then for some reason the whistle blew - I think I may have travelled with the ball, but Coach if you're reading this then please can you add a comment on here to confirm whether I'm right). Anyhow, when the ball came back into play it was only a matter of a few ticks before the timer ran to zero and the buzzer signified our victory.

Head Coach Pearl gave me a Southend Swifts t-shirt, an incredibly generous gesture - I intend to earn the right to wear this tee before I even take it out of its fresh wrapper.

Our next match is at home on Wednesday 15th February against Erkenwald Ladies Basketball Team, why not come along?!

The Basketball Challenge: First Training Session

Last Wednesday night I met up with Head Coach at Southend Swifts Basketball Club, Stephen Pearl. I'd landed on my feet...

Basketball first caught my attention when a Greek lad at school started playing the game in London and promptly stopped wearing trainers and starter wearing 'sneakers'. The year was 1990, I thought the kid was double cool.

Michael Jordan may have made the sport globally recognised but this kid in my school, also called Michael, was the only person we actually knew who played the sport. I think even our PE teachers secretly thought he was cool, despite their preference for football, rugby and athletics.

Around the same time my pal Johnny had a basketball net put up by his dad on the carport attached to their garden and my first playing experience came with the boys I grew up with; we'd try and 'slam dunk' the ball but at less then 5ft tall we would have to resort to sitting on one anothers shoulders to get the job done.

As we settled into our teens this Amercian fad passed, our hair grew, and grunge music and girls took our attention.

So when I met Coach Pearl in the car park of Eastwood High School I expected to be greeted by a giant from across the pond....though while Coach Pearl may not be a giant in terms of physical size, he is a goliath in terms of Basketball knowledge and hospitality.

Stephen understood my need to compete in the same number of games as a team would in the Olympics, from day one to the final, and what's more he'd already worked out exactly how I could do this all with Southend Swifts - what a star!

We talked about the club's set-up, standing in the community, the expectations of the players to give something back to the club - Coach Pearl was as proud of the young Swifts that helped introduce basketball to kids at local schools as he was of the 17 students who'd gone on to play in the United States.

I wasn't just there for a chat mind, within half an hour I'd joined the 16-18's and was doing lay-up drills under the coaching of Simon, one of the clubs talents who'd played in the US, he's now returned to coach at the club that gave him his opportunity.

We progressed through shooting hoops from the penalty line, practising 2-on-3 scenarios with an outnumbered defence, learning and role-playing set plays and finished on a best-of-three / first to seven baskets competition.

I thoroughly enjoyed my first training session for The Basketball Challenge, and was wholeheartedly welcomed in by the lads; including Louis (who gave me penalty shooting tips), and Little Darren (he's 6ft 9'...but is shorter than his brother!).

They've even got a player called Jordan, so they must be good!

I've a few weeks of heavy work, where I'll need to focus on challenges during the weekend, but then I'm looking forward to working with the Southend Swifts and will definitely make the effort to give something back.

The Handball Challenge: Match One, Cranfield Vs Brentwood

My travel to and from the University of Essex Sports Centre pretty well mirrored my performance in my match for The Handball Challenge; I got lost due to an unclear path and was disorientated at the end.

The Handball Challenge:

• 7 matches before the Olympics starts (I've joined Brentwood Handball Club to play in their season).

Much like other team sports, the worth of your labours in training amount to nothing until they're tested on the field of play, or in this case the colourfully lined indoor court.

Baptisms of fire vary in heat like a curry without the English translation on the menu; you're not sure what you've let yourself in for until it's all too late, in this instance I was the oik left gulping down Cobra like a man who'd not seen liquids in weeks.

The play was quicker than my brain but I now know that with a third of the match down (20 minutes), we were only trailing 3-5 and were well in with a fighting chance against a Cranfield University side that was well stocked with apparent fans of Rap and Metal music.



Cranfield break through to apply early pressure (The Everyman Olympian, Far Right)


Then disaster selected Mark and struck him with a bitch slap to the ankle, we were now substitute-less and yours truly would be seeing out the rest of the game. Coach Kuller Rabaca called a time-out to give us a breather and make us aware of the situation.

Whether it was the news that hit us hardest or our opponents more collective reaction to this game-changer I'm not in a position to say but when the ref blew for half time we'd slipped ten points adrift with no further reply, the score now 3-15.



Our great goalie David draws on this childhood days of watching Karate Kid


Hans-Jorg took us aside for a rest and a pep talk, we needed to focus, maintain shape and move the ball quicker to the attacking players in the second half.

Sean and George mustered a tiring defence as best they could (each also netting 1 and 2 goals respectively in the match), while Chris lead an aggressive and physical attack that yielded 4 goals and riled their defensive triangle.

Collectively we were sharper in the back 30 and reduced their scoring opportunities, though their agile yet short front men continued to pose a threat, George and Big Phil were able to disrupt them while they looked genuinely unsettled by Chris' counter attacking ability.



George limes high to save us after Cranfield launch another well-oiled attack


7-22 The final score of a match which we'd lost due to their blistering opening half while we still getting used to each other, a heavy loss then but there were some positives to build on.

You can find out more about Brentwood Handball Club and the sport here.

Sweat FA

Chris Evans of the Essex FA has kindly taken up the mission of helping me to find a team to join for The Football Challenge.

Click on the pick below to take you to Row Z, the Essex FA's E-Fanzine:

If you can help me find a team, please email me at theeverymanolympian@googlemail.com

Cheers!