Sunday, 18 April 2010

The Very Exciting Subplot

You’ll recall that last time around I explained how The Everyman Olympics came into being and why I was undertaking this year long set of sports challenges based on Olympic events.
(Late comers please see Post 1: The Everyman Olympics).

You’ll also recollect that as well as the aim to get fit, lose the flab and in-part act as a guinea pig for a whole new approach to exercise, that running parallel to this adventure I am competing against a rival to be the first to lose a stone in weight = The Very Exciting Subplot.

Now some of you who frequent gyms or do exercise by other means will appreciate that there is losing a stone and losing a stone.

Let me explain myself:

If you’re a 6ft tall male and weigh 10 stone then losing 1 stone, the equivalent to 10% of your body weight, would indeed be a massive struggle, and probably ill advised (don’t quote me, I’m no doctor).

However, if you’re a bed-ridden giant weighing in at 30+ stone, then losing 1 stone would be akin to say, losing some spare change down the back of the sofa or braking wind; a lot easier than going to the gym, though possibly equally as sweaty in the latter instance.

The Very Exciting Subplot features myself and my rival, Carl...

Allow me to introduce Carl, my friend, sometime industry colleague, and competitor in this race to lose a stone. He’s a top fella and needless to say he likes a pint or ten, which (and I hope you don’t mind me saying this mate) has more than likely contributed to his current status as a chap leaning slightly beyond the chubby area of the Chap Spectrum – please see the Chap Spectrum Chart provided.

Chap Spectrum Chart
Chap1= Slim, Chap2 = Average, Chap3 = Chubby, Chap4= Fat, Chap5 = Gargantuan

Originally from the South West of England, Carl moved on to work in London before heading to Amsterdam and now resides in Germany. As such this leads him to speak as though he’s making his accent up as he goes along; moving from Carrot-Crunching, to Mockney, through Extremely Chilled and arriving at Slightly Reserved.

In case by some random stroke of luck this adventure ever makes it into printed form, becomes a BEST SELLER, the World goes bonkers for me and Carl and someday school kids are asked to make a model of Carl, here’s the perfect recipe...

Recipe for Carl Preparation time: Approx. 30 years (makes 1 Carl)


1000 Barrels of Alcohol (preferably mixed brands)

1683 Nights Out on the Town*

A Very Varied Diet – high in unsaturated fats

Exercise (use sparingly)

500 Small Pinches of Sleep

Mixed Accents

Design Skills

1 Good Sense of Humour

1 Dominic Monaghan (as seen in The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy & Lost)

*+1 night for every 3 nights after this is posted.

How to make:

Take your Dominic Monaghan (DM) and simmer over a low heat to reduce to a more moderate salary. Next, pour in the alcohol over a course of 1683* Nights Out on the Town (it’s IMPORTANT that you add nights out in Bristol, the East End & City of London, Amsterdam, Munich and Nuremberg) during which feed your DM A Very Varied Diet, exercise sparingly and only allow 500 Small Pinches of Sleep. Finally, trim his hair and allow to absorb the elements of the making process.

Your end result should look something like this:

(minus the pipe...and with slightly less pointy ears)
Now you know Carl.

What of me you say?

Well for my part, I too would sit somewhere slightly beyond the chubby part of the Chap Spectrum.
(See chart provided above if you have a short-term memory).

Appearance-wise I’d fit somewhere between these two gorgeous gents:

The Big Weigh-In

I stood in front of the scales as naked as the day I was born, though without the luggage of a placenta (thank heavens we don’t have to carry those unsightly bags of grub around with us throughout our lives). Nervously I stepped onto the black plate and the digital readout began to blink whilst calculating my fate.

Somewhere I imagined Carl was also going through the same process (I knew he'd also gone out and bought some new weighing scales), though in my minds eye he was clothed.

I waited a few seconds and looked down... I couldn't see the screen for my belly was in the way, so I leaned forwards and this is what it read: 14:4.4st - My brand new scales were pretty shit hot and had even added the ounces.

Carl looked down and saw this:

God knows why Carl was wearing nail vanish! (Or had such effeminate feet)

Sometime after I received this text:

Boris mate it’s Carl, I'm weighing in at a massive 91.9kg, let The Fat Games begin!

That’s right, since moving to Europe Carl had succumbed to thinking in kilos. Unprompted, in his text he'd also given The Very Exciting Subplot a name of its very own ~ The Fat Games. I loved that Carl was taking this seriously and noted from his very specific weight calculation that he had also bought an impressive weighing machine - I took this is a sign that he meant business.

Not wanting to be vague on the issue I used the calculator on my phone to work out Carl’s exact weight in stones and pounds.

We each now had a defined starting and finishing position, here’s how the parameters of The Very Exciting Subplot / The Fat Games looked:

The Everyman Olympian (Me)
  • Starting weight = 14 stone 4lb / 90.9kg
  • Target weight = 13 stone 4lb / 85.4kg
Dominic Monaghan (Carl)
  • Starting weight = 14 stone 6lb / 91.9kg
  • Target weight = 13 stone 6lb / 85.5kg
I think you can see what this means... essentially my rival and I were the same weight. My only natural advantage being that I am a good foot taller than Dominic Monaghan.

So there we have it, the scenes for the Main Plot: The Everyman Olympics, and The Very Exciting Subplot / The Fat Games are set.
In the next post I’ll reveal the story of the First Challenge.

As mentioned before, YOU can get involved in The Everyman Olympics. Here’s what I’m looking for:

Suggestions or tips you have on which sports I should base an event on / How I can make the challenges realistic to the real thing and where I might find facilities to use / Stores where I can get good deals on sports equipment and kit / OR even if you’re available to play against me or in some of the team events!

Anyone who helps will be mentioned on the blog.

(Who knows, it may even make a book)

You can contact me at
Or follow me on Twitter: @EveryOlympian

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